Papa

I just finished watching Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close. It made me miss my Papa.

He was amazing.

He loved me.

I miss him.

Papa's, especially the one's like mine, have a way of making you forget the rest of the world. Papa's find a way to make you think of nothing. With Papa I never had to wonder where I stood in the world. With him I knew I was loved, that I was important and that I made him proud. I never doubted that... not ever. Even when I gave him every reason to change his mind (I wasn't the easiest teenager) I never questioned his love or my place in his heart.

When we knew the end was near and his lucid times were few and far between I asked him questions I knew the answer too. Just to hear the answer again. The last lucid conversation we had I asked him if I had made him proud. I knew I had, he told me enough and made me feel it enough that I didn't really need to ask. But I wanted to hear it one last time. The way he answered is something I'll never forget. He didn't get serious, it was as if my question humored him. He chuckled, smiled wide and answered with a laugh, "Of course you make me proud, what a ridiculous question." He patted my hand and then asked for a sip of water. It was exactly the way I needed the answer to come. It came from his lips as if it was silliness that he even had to say it.

I miss his easy laugh and sly smile. He understood me, in a way I can't describe. But, when I knew I needed it he still made me explain whatever was bothering me or whatever I was trying to figure out. Looking back I see that it was because talking it out is good therapy. He also knew the sweet sound of silence. I'm rarely silent, I always have something to say. But with Papa I found a comfortable silence. The air didn't need to be filled with sounds, I was content to just be with him. Fishing poles and a pocket knife were plenty of noise for a quiet morning. He was the supreme listener and the greatest fisherman I ever knew. He was patient when he needed to be, especially even when he realized I'd never learn to pee outdoors. But, he never let me get away with sassing my grandma. She was a lady, and was to be treated as such. Watching his love for my grandma he taught me that true love does exist. My grandma would always tell me that she hoped I would find someone as special as Papa, who would love me like he loved her.

He made the best hash browns and over easy eggs. He could make a killer sandwich. He taught me that hard work makes you stronger. He was terrible with computers.

He was my Papa, I miss him.