Stryder turns 1

"On the night you were born, 

The moon smiled with such wonder, 

That the stars peeked into see you.

And the night wind whispered, 

'Life will never be the same.'

Because there had never been anyone like you...

Ever, in the world. 

Not once had there been such eyes, such a nose, 

Such silly and wiggly, wonderful toes!

For never before in story or rhyme, 

(not even once upon a time)

has the world ever known a you, my friend. 

And it never will... not ever again.

Heaven blew every trumpet and played every horn,

On the wonderful, magical, night you were born!"

-Nancy Tillman, Author - On The Night You Were Born

Exactly one year ago today Stryder Don Kendrick came into this world. At 4:48PM Kevin and I received the best present we could have ever hoped for!

I've been thinking about this post for weeks now. Wondering how I could put in words what changes have occurred in the last year and how I feel about the time passing so fast. This past year has been a wondrous and magical experience! I cannot begin to explain how full my heart is and how much this perfect little boy has me completely head over heels in love with him. The mere thought of writing this blog brings tears of joy to my eyes. Every time I think of how desperately I wanted a baby and how little I understood what abounding happiness this tiny little person would bring me I get emotional. He is my miracle and I will forever be in awe that he is mine.

While Stryder is most definitely mine you would never know it. Physically he is the carbon copy of his father, he already has the loving and sweet personality of Kevinr as well. It seems the only thing he got from me is his need for independence. He is such a happy boy. We are constantly complimented on how good he is. What we consider to be a 'fussy' day, most parents tell us is a walk in the park. We have been truly blessed!

Getting here has not been easy. Multiple miscarriages along a 9 year struggle to get pregnant had me all but giving up on a baby. I have two boys who came to us at 8 and 14, I wish I had them as babies. To be able to experience everything we've experienced with Stryder, with them as infants. But, I feel that the time and struggle it took to get Stryder has made me a a better mother. I can't say for sure, as I'll never know what it would've been like had it come easily - but I can tell you that the hard days don't seem so hard. The sleepless nights, while exhausting, still come with an appreciation of this little wonder that is mine. I've struggled for this child, longed for him more than anyone could even imagine. I wish I had more time to enjoy each moment. He is full of smiles and I still want to take a picture of every single one so a moment is never lost!

I have favorite moments from the past year that make me laugh and some bring up so much emotion they make me cry!

When he was born I only saw him for a moment. The nurses were on their way out the door with him to get him breathing better. My Dr. asked them to stop so I could see him before he was whisked away. It was a brief moment but so memorable. I reached out to touch his face and said his name. Until now only Kevin and I knew what it would be, this was the first time it was spoken aloud to anyone else. The nurses asked me to say it again and then he was gone. I didn't see him again for nearly 24 hours. 

A baby, MY baby, in the nursery I'd always dreamed about, sleeping in my arms while I rock him. Smelling of baby and making little baby grunts. Oh baby smell!! Those first moments in the nursery with him were surreal. I couldn't sleep when he slept, I didn't know how to stop staring at him to even consider sleep! It took complete exhaustion to finally get me to bed. I know our families weren't thrilled with the idea, but I am so happy that we decided to keep everyone at bay and give ourselves time alone with Stryder. It was just myself, Kevin and the baby. Kevin and I could talk candidly and openly about what a miracle he was, what we wanted for his future and go through all the emotions without being interrupted. I will forever cherish the time the three of us had together. 

Stryder has an amazing big brother at home. Maliek always brings a smile to his face and has been so helpful to us. He is an expert at making bottles and watching for 'hazards' as Stryder has become more mobile. 

Kevin as a father. I'm so in love with this man, he's my soul mate. I didn't realize I could love him any deeper than I already did. Then he gave me a mini-Kev. Seeing Kevin with Stryder is a beautiful thing.  He is such a loving father. Much to my dismay Kevin is the favorite parent. Stryder lights up with his dad and has him wrapped around his finger. He is the spitting image of Kevin and has all his wonderful personality traits too. The two of them go to baby gym twice a week and Kevin is great at continuing to push the motor skills at home. When Stryder is restless he walks the house with dad in his carrier. He loves that thing! One of my very special Kevin moments was being able to listen to him as he read a book to Stryder. Kevin didn't realize I was standing outside the door and I was able to hear him describe the pictures and bring the characters to life. 

So much has changed in the past year, I have so much to be thankful for. I'm sad that I can no longer refer to Stryder's age in months but am excited to continue watching him learn and grow. It's been a whirlwind year and I wouldn't change a thing! My only wish is that I am able to continue appreciating the little moments and savoring each milestone.

Happy Birthday my little monster! Mommy loves you more than you will ever know!

Thankful for what I do have

Sometimes it's just way too easy to get caught up in the negatives, or what you view as negatives, in your life. I have been in a rut the past few weeks wishing some things were different, today I had a wake up call that my life is full of amazing and wonderful things. I have a lot to be thankful for.

Kevin is out of work. Bummer. But, bright side, he could have been out of work over two years ago when the layoffs started. He also is still holding his position with the company he was with and has been given a furlough. This means instead of being at the bottom of a list over a hundred deep for work at the hall that he will be the first one offered work once his company has work to give. Another amazing blessing from this is that he is a full-time dad to Stryder. Stryder gets to have a parent home with him and Kevin and I have complete control over exactly the kind of care and developmental activities that are happening. HUGE reward!

Money is tight right now. Bummer. Bright side, money isn't so tight that we are on the street. We have a roof over our heads, we still have cable, we can afford our utilities and food is not in short supply. Yes, I miss going out and I wish we could have done more for my birthday. But, I'm grateful we aren't facing the decisions and realities that so many other families are facing right now. We have our basic needs and a few of the extras. Not bad at all.

Sometimes avoiding the traffic and taking the back roads home gives you an appreciation for all the things you do have in your life. Seeing the poverty and living conditions of those who are really facing tough decisions tends to give you true perspective.

Papa

I just finished watching Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close. It made me miss my Papa.

He was amazing.

He loved me.

I miss him.

Papa's, especially the one's like mine, have a way of making you forget the rest of the world. Papa's find a way to make you think of nothing. With Papa I never had to wonder where I stood in the world. With him I knew I was loved, that I was important and that I made him proud. I never doubted that... not ever. Even when I gave him every reason to change his mind (I wasn't the easiest teenager) I never questioned his love or my place in his heart.

When we knew the end was near and his lucid times were few and far between I asked him questions I knew the answer too. Just to hear the answer again. The last lucid conversation we had I asked him if I had made him proud. I knew I had, he told me enough and made me feel it enough that I didn't really need to ask. But I wanted to hear it one last time. The way he answered is something I'll never forget. He didn't get serious, it was as if my question humored him. He chuckled, smiled wide and answered with a laugh, "Of course you make me proud, what a ridiculous question." He patted my hand and then asked for a sip of water. It was exactly the way I needed the answer to come. It came from his lips as if it was silliness that he even had to say it.

I miss his easy laugh and sly smile. He understood me, in a way I can't describe. But, when I knew I needed it he still made me explain whatever was bothering me or whatever I was trying to figure out. Looking back I see that it was because talking it out is good therapy. He also knew the sweet sound of silence. I'm rarely silent, I always have something to say. But with Papa I found a comfortable silence. The air didn't need to be filled with sounds, I was content to just be with him. Fishing poles and a pocket knife were plenty of noise for a quiet morning. He was the supreme listener and the greatest fisherman I ever knew. He was patient when he needed to be, especially even when he realized I'd never learn to pee outdoors. But, he never let me get away with sassing my grandma. She was a lady, and was to be treated as such. Watching his love for my grandma he taught me that true love does exist. My grandma would always tell me that she hoped I would find someone as special as Papa, who would love me like he loved her.

He made the best hash browns and over easy eggs. He could make a killer sandwich. He taught me that hard work makes you stronger. He was terrible with computers.

He was my Papa, I miss him.

Puke Club - EW

I'm officially a member of the puke club - not willingly.

Everyone told me this was a part of motherhood - I told them they were crazy. I knew I'd get peed on, I knew I might get pooped on but I was confident I could keep from getting puke in my mouth.

I was sooo wrong. Last night I was playing with Stryder after dinner and I lifted him up, he was laughing so I brought him down and we touched foreheads (this is our thing where I whisper I love him or some other sweet sentiment) and sure enough he puked - right IN my mouth. I had no choice but to swallow or spit on my aunt's couch, myself or Stryder. I can't believe I didn't puke myself. OMG! So while I'm cleaning up baby and me the family is laughing hysterically. Ew! All in all it was a good Easter. LOL

Stryder's first 4 months

These past four months have probably been the most exhausting but definitely, and by far, the most rewarding. I never realized how much joy a little smile could bring me. The last month Stryder has been showing us his personality and his face has completely come to life. He lights up when he sees me, and my heart melts each time.

He is looking to be quite a tall little boy. He's lean and tall, in the 50% for weight but 75-90% for height. Watching him learn is like magic. Watching him sleep is heavenly and when he cuddles into me my heart overflows. This little boy has me completely wrapped around his finger.

Below is a video I made of his first 3 months, as usual I'm late in posts so it's late too :).